Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Let's Get it Started, Let's Get it Started in here...


The words to that song continually go around and around in my head.....Let's get it started but I change the words to JUST GET IT STARTED! That is something that is so hard for me....just getting started. For some reason (to be discovered in therapy) I have developed an avoidance tactic. That tactic raises its ugly head in every area of my life. To sum it up, I avoid at all costs any situation that might cause conflict, judgement, rejection and so on. I have been told that I have created all of the chaos in my life to "avoid" being able to create deep interpersonal relationships....the one thing that I crave the most!

I know I crave them because I watch the movies, you know the ones, the "chick flicks", the lovey dovey ones, the ones where the couples are so "in love" and I ball my eyes out because I want those relationships, I want to be the couple that exudes craziness about each other, I want to be the couple that people just know by being around you that you are in love. I want to be the mom that bakes cookies with her kids, does fun crafty things and creates fun experiences, you know the ones, the ones that are in all of the magazines.....instead I put up roadblocks and create Chaos.

My whole life (or the parts that I can remember) as soon a situation gets hard.....I bolt, quit, or start something else. I have held myself back from so many things in life that I know that I am good at.....I know that I can be a great wife, I know that I can be a great mom, I know that I can be a great daughter and I know that I can be a great friend....but the Chaos (that I have created) holds me back. I am always saying to my kids, "I will play with you when I get the house cleaned", " I will read to you when I get the laundry done", "I will do crafts with you when.... or to my husband "I would love to go out on the boat and spend the day with you, but this house is such a mess, I need to clean it first"......You get the picture.

That is why I am starting this blog. I am hoping to journal my way out of this Chaos and into a life of Peace. So again as I hear the words to the song.....Let's get it started, Let's get it started in here.....